July 9. Jarmusch, Black Jesus

Retrieve the Russian visa. Calm when you wait in line. It is raining. I don’t do much these days and I damn well know why. I have changed my intention 180 degrees. I was so keen on seeing some ex-girlfriend, check out if she is happy, if her family is happy, that kind of stuff. I explained her why I’d value seeing her. To find peace with the past. Having lost a parent, and given my personality, I am not really at peace with the past. So I explained this. Told her it might be helping me to see her, talk about her future, and say goodbye with sincere best wishes. That’s putting myself in the center. I know. It was supposed to be peeking beyond the gates of heaven, like seeing where my lost ones are, at least one of them. Anyway, I fabricated this in my mind, a pretty brilliant attempt to cope, and when I tried to pull it off she simply said “no”. She had a right to a different meaning. True. She’s right. What have I done? Falling in love with a better specimen is not a crime. So I thinking and thinking. What does mean? She know my mourning hard. She not help. Me thinks she is bad person. Me worried I have wasted too many times being together with bad person. Never again I want be with vengeful person with the wrath. Is me allowed calling bad that person? Nobody agrees. But meself. I would see the other person of course when I could help him, no matter how much that person hurted me. I can promise you that. And you know why? It’s because I am good. Me wants to meet some other person just like me. Not a vengeful person with the wrath, but mild person. Me know it dangerous talk this way, it dangerous and irresponsible talk. You forgive me, do not yet nail me to the cross. But listen, just listen to black Jesus.
That’s heavy stuff. Gets you all sweating. Wish I could take some of it seriously. But whatever. It’s an interesting experience, literally turning around your intention. Now I want to see you, now I don’t. So what I did is I found peace with never seeing her and the bunny we loved so much ever again and moved on. You can thinkg of a compass needle and the north and south pole switching positions overnight. There I sit. I gonna need some coffee, and I need some weeks to work it off. Stress is playing up like an old war wound. Will I go strong? Find out in the next episode of …
Movie of the day: Stranger than Paradise by Jim Jarmusch, 1984.
Hungarian immigrants in America, New York City. Willy has to babysit his cousin Eva. He doesn’t want her to speak Hungarian. She stays in his apartment until she can move on to Cleveland. He eats convenience food in front of her. “Where does that meat come from?” she asks. He explains her what a quarterback is. She wants to know exactly and he cannot explain. “Just watch the game”. He plays patience, she steals groceries and cigarettes. “Do the Chesterfields in Cleveland taste the same as here?” He gives her a dress, she throws it away as soon as she leaves to Cleveland.
Paradise is Florida. They go there in the next part of the movie. They: Willy, Eddie, Eva.
The music is beautiful. Hawkings’ “I put a spell on you” comes out awesome in this movie. And that cello.
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Kamiel Choi

Dutch philosopher and poet, sometimes sharing thoughts on the internet.

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